How do you speak to yourself?

Do you speak kindly to yourself? I do, now. But I remember when I almost automatically called myself “Idiot, you’re so stupid” when I had made a mistake. It felt very heavy at the time.

So why did I do it? Well, my theory is this: there wasn’t much name-calling in my childhood, but there wasn’t much encouragement either. If I made a mistake, I got a silent glare of disappointment, and my sensitive self quickly internalised the message: do not disappoint, do not make mistakes.

Because of the lack of encouragement from my childhood I had learnt to beat everyone to the punch when it came to pointing out mistakes I had made, to avoid risking someone else pointing out my mistake, triggering the memory of the disappointed glare.

Rather than risking other people pointing out what I did wrong or how I was wrong, I “beat them to it” by saying it myself, as a twisted piece of evidence of perceived self knowledge. Clever, huh? Not. It didn’t lift me up. If anything, it pulled me down. And I was the one pulling me down, I would rather beat others to the punch by judging myself before they had the chance. I am probably not alone in this.”

Nowadays I try to reframe my automatic thinking with kinder and more compassionate thoughts, like “Oh, shoot, I didn’t mean for this to happen.

What can I do about this? What can I do in this? What can I do from this?”

Notice the different use of prepositions: What can I do about this (situation)? If there is something I can do, great!

If not, the next question: What can I do in this (situation)? Can I judge myself? Can I give myself compassion? Can I ask for help or support? What feels the lightest?

And the last question: What can I do (create) from this (situation)? How can I move on from here? What can I choose now that will feel lighter?”

You just read an excerpt from my e-book

“The Neglected Sensitivity”

Download chapter 1 for free here. If you would like to buy the whole e-book, get in touch!